Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Careless? (Journal #33)

I am curious that if I wonder less, that means I care less?

What I really mean is this...I am learning to not "wonder or worry about" what others think.

I used to wonder...

...what the neighbors thought, when they can hear screaming from our house and yard a lot. Sam screams a lot still, even though he is more verbal. His tantrums are getting more frequent and louder the older he is getting it seems. Although really, we have decided it is just that he can do more with his body because he is bigger. When he is mad, he is so quick to slam doors, throw whatever is in sight and scream. We don't leave windows open a lot.

I used to wonder...

...what people thought when they see us chasing this little boy (who now looks like he should know better). He runs away like a 2 year old constantly. The other night, we were outside working in the yard until well after dark and Sam escaped us. It was scary to chase him in the dark and the thought of going through neighbors yards, not knowing what you may encounter. I felt like doing one of his dinosaur screams myself.

I used to wonder...

...if people thought I was a bad parent for having this "out of control" child in public (as it appears to others). Monday was the mother of all mother days. We had so many back to school errands to do. Unfortuntately the last event was to have brother try on 5 pairs of pants at the alterations store. Patience was not on Sam's agenda (nor should have been for anyone who encountered our long day, bad planning on Mom's part). I was trying to help Zach try on pants, then have him stand on the podium for the lady to mark, while chasing Sam who was cowering under every chair he could find, or running into the dressing rooms and slamming the doors. The nice lady just smiled and kept saying, "very busy boy, wow...very busy boy, wow." I tried to explain to her he had Autism, but she just smiled and said "that's nice". She speaks minimal English, but has been a great seamstress for us this past year. At least she was still smiling when we left. I hope that means we can still come back to pick up Zach's pants next week. I don't think she kicked us out.

I used to "wonder and worry" a lot about what others thought. I grew up in a family that expected us to be perfect little puppets in public. We were always cautioned to worry about what others thought of us. It was my parents best way of teaching us to be respectful. It can also cause severe paranoia! I have realized that I have expected way too much from Sam's older brother Zach for way too long. He is just going to be 9, but we have been making him be accountable for his behavior and interactions with his brother in ways most children wouldn't understand for the last 4 years almost.

I don't wonder anymore. We will continue to hold our son's hand in almost every place we go for his safety and our peace of mind, we will continue to just hold him and love him and not discipline him while he is having a melt down, we will continue to allow Zach to just be a kid and not expect so much, we will continue to ignore behavior from Sam that could escalate if we didn't and not worry about what others think. We will continue to shop for our needs and do errands, regardless of what people think about Sam's constant jabbering, loud voice or tantrums.

It has been hard learning to care less about what others think. But I have to for my sanity and the sake of my boys who just want to be my beautiful children. I just pray that by my caring less about what others think, doesn't ever allow me to be careless.


kristina said...

More that you are caring more and most about what really counts, your two great boys.

Anonymous said...

yes. i agree with kristina. you are caring less in all the best ways!!